“I know that Jesus is well and alive today. He makes His home in my heart. Nevermore will I be all alone since He promised me that we never would part.”
This is the chorus of the first song I memorized after becoming a Christian — “Blue Skies and Rainbows.” This song is so upbeat and brings smiles to the faces of many as they sing it because it causes us to dwell on the beauty that God has created for us.
However, for me as a young Christian, this song brought mixed emotions. I wasn’t raised in the church, so I hardly knew any of the acapella songs that we would sing in worship and would often awkwardly listen and half sing. But, I knew this one. Whenever the song leader would begin “Blue Skies and Rainbows” I would nudge my youth group bestie Lydia Herndon and smile because I could finally sing a song with confidence.
But when we got to the chorus it just — as the kids these days would say — hit too hard. Eighteen-year-old me felt very alone and the thought of Jesus never parting from me was assuring, but also made me dwell on how He was all I felt I had at times.
I grew up in a very abusive home with parents who did not know the true gospel. If you would have asked me back then to describe the situation, I would just say that my dad is a controlling narcissist. If you asked me today, after I’ve had some time to heal, I’d tell you that he deals with several mental health issues that all go back to anxious and irrational thinking. To put it simply, he doesn’t always know how to love the way that Jesus intended for us to love others and ourselves.
My childhood had great and wonderful times but was also very chaotic. I suffered from physical and mental abuses. I had no stability, never knowing how it would go when I got home from school or some days not knowing whether or not I would be allowed to go to school or if I did go to school, what would my teachers think about the bruise on my face? It would take a whole book to explain the manipulation that my siblings and I went through, so I’ll just reiterate that my dad does not truly know Jesus and does not know how to love like Him.
Thankfully, a wonderful friend shared the gospel with me when I was sixteen. She taught me that I was separated from God because of my sin and that there was a solution — be baptized and give my life to Jesus, a Savior who loves me more than anyone else is capable.
Giving my life to Christ started to change me. It started to help me decipher what the truth really was and how people should really be treated. Being surrounded by Christians taught me that people can do better.
Unfortunately, my dad wouldn't allow me to attend church services, and this stunted my spiritual growth significantly, but I was still changing, nonetheless.
Soon after I turned eighteen, I was freed from my situation. I had been told as long as I can remember that I needed my dad and that there was no way I could make it on my own. I believed this lie and had even turned down athletic scholarships so that I could stay at home and attend a local university.
This was the plan until my dad’s irrational anxiety caused him to freak out on me after I got home from work one day. His tantrum ended with the sentence that ultimately led to that freedom I mentioned: “How much money do I have to give you to leave and never come back?”
I wasn’t even hurt by these words. I was only aware of the opportunity I had been given, the opportunity to leave and no longer be under the control of someone who didn’t have my best interest at heart.
I went to my childhood bedroom and began to quickly throw some items in a duffle bag until my dad abruptly stopped me.
“I don’t want you to make a scene. I just want you to go.”
So I walked out the front door with only my cell phone and the clothes I was wearing. And just for the record, he never did offer me money (not that I would have taken it anyway). He only wanted to hurt me by saying ridding my presence was worth money — something he values tremendously.
Ironically, the day he told me to leave was the Fourth of July. I had my very own Independence Day that day.
I ended up moving into my grandparents' home for my first year of college. They are lovely people who would do anything for me. I enjoyed being treated like someone worthy of love and attention. We had our own little family for a while.
However, my life was still pretty chaotic. Besides my dad constantly blowing up my phone, calling me names like “skank” or “satan,” I was working 50 hours a week while being enrolled as a full-time student at Murray State University. I had a full ride, but I couldn’t receive any of my scholarships without retrieving my parents' tax information — something my dad wasn’t willing to give me.
I would often have to miss Wednesday night and Sunday night church services to work extra hours. That is what I regret the most during this time in my life because the church is where I found the most peace.
I started to seek comfort in worldly things such as boys and physical attention during this phase in my life. I was hanging out with a different guy each week, telling strangers my story, not realizing that any comfort and physical relief they gave me was fleeting. I was spiraling and spiraling fast.
To put the icing on the cake, COVID19 hit. My loving grandparents suffer from autoimmune disorders and were devastated when they had to ask me to leave their home for the sake of their health.
Once again, I had to find a new place to live. I almost felt numb as I packed up some things and headed out the door. I couldn’t believe that it was happening again. I ended up moving into a house with a high school friend and her boyfriend. We split the rent and I was allowed to stay in their spare bedroom.
Soon, I was laid off from both of my jobs and all my classes were moved online. With all my distractions stripped away from me, I was forced to think about what I was doing with my life. I couldn’t keep living the way I had been. I thought about moments in life when I had felt safe, when I had felt the most peace. All of those moments had to do with Jesus and those who serve Him.
Even though I was prioritizing my financial burdens over Christ and skipping opportunities to worship and fellowship with believers, a part of me knew how important it was. Each time I went to services, I would stay after for nearly an hour just talking with Christians who were willing to pour into me.
I also knew that my life was so much better when I obeyed God. I never regretted spending time with Him or His people, but every time I met up with a random guy, I was paralyzed with sin and grief the next day.
John 8:34 tells us that whoever commits sin is a slave to sin, and even though I had become a Christian my junior year of high school, I sure was acting like a slave to sin again. I was seeking worldly things to fill a Jesus-shaped hole in my heart.
I slowly started to remember who I was and my purpose in Christ. I am not on this earth for my own benefit, but to glorify Christ, and in doing so, my life is filled with many of His blessings.
I have so much more worth than a one-night stand or a dad who doesn’t care. My past and what happened to me didn’t define me, nor the opinions of others, but God alone.
Colossians 1 says “And you, who were once alienated and enemies in your mind by wicked works, yet now He has reconciled in the body of His flesh through death, to present you holy, and blameless and above reproach in His sight — if indeed you continue in the faith, grounded and steadfast, and are not moved away from the gospel which you heard.”
Wow. What a selfless and good and perfect savior and what an amazing thought that I have the opportunity to be presented as holy and blameless in front of God.
Because my sins are continually cleansed, I am free from mortality and free from the bounds of this world and can have confidence that I will one day spend eternity with my gracious and merciful creator in heaven.
And once I was able to think of my life’s purpose as pleasing God and getting to heaven and bringing as many people there with me as possible, I started to realize that I was free from countless worldly constraints that I put on myself.
I was free from the opinions of others because I understood that the only opinion that matters is that of Jesus.
I was free from discontentment because I understood that my fulfillment, my worth, and my purpose do not come from anything on this earth. They come from serving the one, true God.
I was free from restlessness, anxiety, hatred, and bitterness because I knew that true peace can only be found in Him (Philippians 4:6-7).
I was free from pressure to compete to have the best clothes or to have the best grades because I knew that we are all equal in the eyes of God and that the only thing we can meaningfully boast about is Him.
I was free from all lies because I had the truth laid out before me in The Bible.
Giving up my worldly ways didn’t have to be negative. By continually choosing to make Jesus the Lord of my life, I started to gain everything.
Romans 6:22-23 says, “But now having been set free from sin and having become slaves of God, you have your fruit to holiness, and the end, everlasting life For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.”
Wow, eternal life with Jesus?! That sounds pretty great. I am so thankful that I reached the realization that this world is not my home and started acting like it.
After my pandemic realizations, I soon enrolled in Freed-Hardeman University, a Christian university in West Tennessee, and ever since, I have eagerly been seeking my freedom and purpose in Him.
Whether or not I have a stable physical home, I can have confidence in a spiritual home that is to come, and that is more than enough for me.
In John 14:1-2 Jesus said, “Let not your hearts be troubled. Believe in God; believe also in me. In my Father’s house are many rooms. If it were not so, would I have told you that I go to prepare a place for you?”
Jesus is my brother and God is my Father and my true home is with them in heaven.
Philippians 3:20-21 says, “But our citizenship is in heaven, and from it we await a Savior, the Lord Jesus Christ, who will transform our lowly body to be like his glorious body, by the power that enables him even to subject all things to himself.”
Oh, what a glorious day that will be.